Build & Price

Have It Your Way.
Every Way.

It responds to the lightest touch, remembers what you chose, and never asks you to hurry. The price, admittedly, responds immediately.

Your Build Touch any option. It already knows what you like.

Trim (all trims identical; confidence varies)

BaseIncludedEverything you need. Nothing you’d admit to wanting.
Adventurer+$8,500Skid plates, recovery hooks, and the stamina to use them.
Apex+$17,000Every surface heated. Finishes what Adventurer starts.

Paint (every shade is slimming)

Matte BlackIncludedDoesn’t show fingerprints. Doesn’t judge them.
Deep Forest Metallic+$1,200For owners who prefer to do it outdoors.
Pearl White Tri-Coat+$1,800Shows everything. That’s the point.

Interior (where the 8+ hours happen)

ClothIncludedMachine-washable, which matters.
Leather+$2,800Firm at first. Warms up fast.
Hand-Stitched Premium+$5,400Sixteen-way adjustable. Remembers how you like it.

Performance (every package exceeds your needs)

StockIncluded780 hp. We call this stock.
Extended Capability+$4,200Goes longer. Ready again before you are.
Aggressive Package+$6,800Louder, firmer. The neighbours will ask.
Night Mode+$2,900Lights off. Somehow better.

Spare Tires (there is a correct answer)

2IncludedThe legal minimum.
4+$400Warmer.
8+$900Still no.
The Right Number+$2,400As many as it takes.
Is 2 spare tires enough?
NO.
Are you serious? Keep going.

Delivery Timeline (all timelines are final)

StandardNever · IncludedShips when the vehicle exists. It won’t.
ExpeditedNever, but sooner · +$1,900The same never, sooner.
White GloveNever, hand-delivered · +$4,500Someone arrives, empty-handed, and explains.

Add-Ons (select as many as you can handle)

Rear Adventure Kit+$3,100Everything you need to stay out there a while.
Heated Interior Package+$1,400Warm in under a minute. Remembers your favourites.
Thrust Vectoring+$5,900Power exactly where you’re pointing. Nobody asks how.
Genuine Gear Hoodie+$72The only option on this page that ships.

The hoodie is the only option on this page that ships. It is also available without the truck, along with the Sticker Division.

Window Sticker — your Athfinder, exactly how you like it
Total MSRP · The Damage
$70,996
Base MSRP$69,000
Options$0
Destination & Handling$1,996
Total$70,996
Est. $845/mo · 84 mo · 0% APR. Actual payment: $0. Nothing is being sold.
Estimated delivery: NEVER. The vehicle does not exist.
This has never been a secret.
Reserve Yours
ATH-69-0000 Present at your nearest dealer. There isn’t one.
Link copied. Send it to someone who doubts you.

You’ve Thought About It Long Enough.

Estimated delivery: never. A reservation is a commitment to the pursuit, not a purchase. If you’d like something that ships, the shirts are real.

Plainly: this is a parody, and this form reserves nothing. No vehicle exists to reserve, no payment is requested or taken, and your details are never sold, shared or used for marketing. Full disclaimer.

You’re In. All the Way.

We’ll be in touch. Probably late at night. Your Athfinder will not arrive; it was never going to. The shirts ship in days.